I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now. I’m busy cutting open Fruit Gushers and squeezing all of the goo into a glass so I can take a shot of it because that has always been a dream of mine and now that I’m an adult with a job, I finally have the means to make it a reality. Please leave your name and number after the beep.
this is how i would want my wikipedia article to end
i go through periods of
“i’m so fucking cool and awesome and hot. I would date me”
“i’m so fucking ugly why do people talk to me i’m such a loser”
“LIFE IS AWESOME LOOK A BIRD. SO PRETTY. EARTH IS BEAUTIFULLLL!!”
“oh my god everyone is so fucked up i hate people and want to die.”
This is so accurate it’s unbelievable.
My grandpa texted for the first time in his life today and he spit straight wisdom out of the keyboard
Pretty sure we picked up the wrong dog at the groomer’s
I think tumblr hasn’t been paying enough attention to Dylan
Look at him
and cole, well, we no longer speak of him
*he who must not be named*
reblogging for coldemort
this is it. this is Captain America: The Winter Soldier summed up
Do you ever just wish you could unmeet someone? like maybe they were great up first, or even for awhile. But then they cause you so much pain and sadness that it wasn’t even worth the good times. So now they’re just stuck in your life, in your fuckin thoughts. You want them out but nope, forever they’ll be part of you.
what are you doing you dumb animal
making his bread